Essay #7 [Process]

Smack, smack, smack.  Click.  Ten more minutes.  The sound of an alarm clock is the worst thing that could ever happen to my ears.  It makes me cringe.  So, as you can imagine, I am not a morning person.  It takes a lot before I get out of the morning funk.  I also have a specific process I go through to get past that morning rage.  My fussing and swearing at the clock,  my caffeine and cigarettes, then finally some breakfast brings me around to the happy person I am throughout the rest of the day. 

The first step in my process is battling the alarm clock.  The snooze button is my best friend.  I must hit that thing about 5 times before I drag myself out of bed. Each time I’m woken up by that irritating beep I have unfriendly words for the clock. 9.a.m. “shut up” 9:10 “Piss Off” 9:20 “ASSHOLE” 9:30 “OH FUCK YOU!! I’M GETTING UP!” Then I throw a fit in my blankets.  My legs start flailing forcing the blankets onto the floor, while my arms toss every pillow away from my head.  Damn that irritating clock.  It’s better I take it out on the clock then any poor person who dare cross my path when first waking up.

My next step isn't a healthy one, but I don’t think I could function without my caffeine and nicotine.  After I shower and get dolled up for my day I head to the nearest convenient store.  Yeah I could make coffee, but I like my Monster Java Irish blend.  It’s got enough caffeine to keep me awake all day, and it tastes sweet.  Once I crack open that can I light a cigarette.  Not sure why, but even artificial coffee goes great with a cigarette.  That first breath of chemicals is an instant gratification.  At this point I've forgotten all about the alarm clock, and my brain is finally functioning like a normal human being.

Last thing I need to complete the morning routine is food.  I guess I couldn't call my first meal of the day breakfast, it’s more brunch.  By the time I've finished abusing the clock and had my morning addictions it’s almost noon.  Most people eat their food first, but it upsets my stomach if I go from waking up directly to eating. Luckily breakfast foods are delicious at any time of the day.  I cook myself up two eggs, over easy, and two pieces of toast which I load with butter.  I like to smash the eggs up and dip my toast in the yoke. Of course once I’m full I go back to my step two of the morning process, but now I can get on with my day and no one has to worry about me being as grumpy as I was when I started.

Now I’m ready to handle the rest of my day.  Rather I have to work, or am just relaxing, I wouldn't be able to do either without my morning process.  Maybe someday I’ll be a morning person.  Maybe I’ll finally decide to quit smoking and stop depending on caffeine.  Maybe I’ll even put breakfast first.  Until that happens this is my daily agenda, and I’m sticking to it.